Equanimity Summer 2013 Page 65

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Caregiver's

balance advice

The 10 ABCs are from Tanya Kilgore's book the grief recovery kit - a young person's guide through the journey of grief.

For more ABCs, visit her website at

www.griefrecoverykit.com

· Don't just ask questions in passing; look at the child, giving

your full attention and connecting with what you hear.
Listen to what is said, even if it is uncomfortable.

· Never force someone to talk, only encourage

communication. Assure the griever you will be available to
listen if you are needed.

· Sometimes communication and connection can be made

with absolutely no words. There are times when words just
don't seem appropriate. However, you can still connect
with a hug, pat on the back or a smile and communicate
that you care and that she is valued.

Freedom of expression:

Accept the

young griever unconditionally and support
him as he expresses himself freely. Allow
expression of emotions within boundaries
so he doesn't hurt himself or others. This
may be uncomfortable to see at times, but
assure him that you will remain by his side.
Young people, especially children, tend to
express their grief in behavior. Be attentive
that words may not always come easily for
some grievers, and expression of feelings
may be exhibited in other ways.

patience:

Be patient with a griever. He

may exhibit behavior contrary to what
you are used to seeing from him. He may
not act as he normally would, or he may
say unusual things. He may become
more quiet and withdrawn or may act out
his confusion and pain. Reassure him of your
support and love. Don't rush the grief process, because healing
occurs at different rates. It is his journey, and you can best help
him by demonstrating patience.

observe disturbing behavior:

It is crucial to recognize

painful feelings and disturbing behaviors. Aggression, extreme
withdrawal, depression, and suicidal thoughts are all behaviors
that require immediate attention.

· If disturbing words, thoughts or actions are causing

concern, then notify the appropriate helping professionals
and authority*. The child's safety is the utmost concern.

· Do not hesitate in reporting alarming conduct. You must

define the "fine line" of what is allowed and appropriate;
your judgment and discernment is essential. Seek
professional help when in doubt about unsettling behaviors.

·*If a child is in immediate danger, dial 911 for help.

Otherwise, a list of helpful numbers and websites has
been provided in the resources section of this book.

help with identity crisis:

Help maintain and develop the child's

identity after the loss, especially in older children. The previous
identity of the child may have been compromised and the roles
may now be confused. A young girl may have felt pride in being
"daddy's little girl", but after the loss of her father may feel that
she no longer has that title. A young boy could have enjoyed
being called the "little man" of the family, but after the death of
a parent, separation, or divorce, he may feel he should be the
"big man" now. Children can feel bewildered about all of the
changes, their place in the family and what is expected of them.
Because they may feel or think differently now, they could have a
feeling of not knowing who they are anymore. Offer guidance and
assurance while helping them redefine their roles and rediscover

who they are.

include the child:

Include the child

in grief, future plans, and decisions where

possible. Allow him to cry with you,

have an input in the funeral preparations,

or suggest plans to move forward in

the situation. Try not to keep him away

from family discussions. Communicate

necessary information to the young griever.

He needs to participate in the family loss
and should not be left out. Also, share with

the griever in the confrontation of pain and

the process of recovery.

Keep fun alive:

Try to create

opportunities for recreation, play, and

laughter. This sounds impossible but is very

important to the grieving child. Fun was

a major part of the child's life prior to the

loss, and it is important for her to engage in

recreation as soon as she wants and feels able to. Encourage her
to participate in creative expressions of her feelings. Fun is a part
of "normalcy" and can be a vital part of recovery.

Just love:

When overwhelmed or confused, simply remember

to love the child. As a parent or caregiver, you may become
confused or even overwhelmed in your own grief. In those
instances, just love. Don't worry about saying the right thing or
having the correct response; it's more important that you show
genuine love.

Spiritual matters:

Spiritual concerns often arise during tragedy

and loss. Share with young grievers reassuring beliefs of hope
and the love of Jesus Christ, the Savior. Read Scriptures to
children daily, or provide the older ones with a Bible they can
read on their own. The Holy Bible is a source of encouragement,
and reading the printed Word can give supernatural strength
to the mourning. Words of life can soothe the aching soul and
comfort those who read them. Also, encourage grieving children
to pray and talk to God on their own.