Parenting Matters continued from page 18 into practice? Think about the challenging situations you face with your teen. Perhaps you’ve experienced your teen’s hair that just seemed to change color or gain a few streaks of red, blue or green overnight! What about that teenage idol they can’t resist imitating or those loud concerts teens insist they just cannot miss. Proactively navigating these challenges calmly and with open discussion with your teen can make all the difference in moving this child from a sometimesconfused teenager to thriving adult, while keeping your sanity. To accept or not to accept . . . that is the question It can be hard to endure that blue hair, or look at those ragged jeans, and listen to that blasting sound they call music. As a family, you have your personal beliefs and values that you strive to pass onto your children, and sometimes this will come into conflict with what a teenage perceives to be his preferred course of life. Adolescents are reestablishing some of these values for themselves. This is not only difficult for parents, but also for teens faced with grown-up choices such as choosing college over work, marriage over a single lifestyle, and what political and religious beliefs they should espouse. This role confusion can be, according to Erikson, supported positively through having enough space and time to freely experiment and explore, so that what may emerge is a sound sense of identity, leading to a deep emotional awareness of self to answer the questions of “Who am I” and “Where am I going?” How much is enough space and time? That is for you as a parent to answer. Read the research, learn about what the “experts” say about this stage of development. Ultimately, however, you know your child best and know what works and doesn’t fit in with the reality of your family and with your child’s personality. The next step: putting it into perspective and practice No matter what we read, think, or feel about the teen years, the fact is that adolescents face a range of developmental issues, including making work and relationship choices. There is ample research on the theories of adolescent development and unlimited theories and opinions. And, of course, every child is unique and every family dynamic slightly different. As a mother and grandmother and child development specialist, I can suggest the practices from my own experience that align with what I know from research and have experienced firsthand. Most important, show your children you love them by listening to their ideas and guiding them in making their decisions. These decisions may range from hair style and clothing choice to college majors to choice of friends to post-high school plans (and any number of things in between!). Ultimately, these little daily decisions–and the bigger ones–are helping the adolescent transition into adulthood. Studies (and my own real-world experience) show that many factors ease this transition into adulthood: supportive families; time for meaningful leisure activities, satisfying studies, or work; earning money; and, most important, acceptance for who they are now and who they will become in the future. Regardless of what theories you learn about or how much research you do about the teen years, it’s important to remember that you are your child’s first teacher and you are the “expert” when it comes to knowing, understanding, and, most important of all, unconditionally loving and accepting her. You can be accepting without condoning every behavior your adolescent displays. Understanding is the key. You can acknowledge the intent with empathy and verbal expression (that is, actually talking with your child in an open, honest, and respectful way) to help guide your adolescent to safe experimentation and exploration in life at any age. Understanding a little about this stage of development and what motivates adolescents, can give you more confidence in parenting your tween or teen. The teen years can be a challenging time for sure, but take heart that your challenging teen may one day become your best friend! The safe and nurturing environment with unconditional love that you provide, from infancy all through adolescence, will be the foundation for your child’s next step in life: The transition from adolescence to adulthood. Carol Osborn is the Director of the Virginia Preschool Initiative with the Department of Family Services Office for Children in Fairfax County and Piedmont Family Magazine’s Parenting Matters columnist. Tips to Smooth the Transition to Adulthood • Listen with full attention and acknowledge your child’s feelings. Remember that understanding does not always mean agreement. Be honest, open, and respectful when talking with your adolescent. Some topics are really difficult to talk about, but the rewards for having open discussions with your adolescent are worth it. When in doubt about how to handle a difficult subject, or if you think your teen’s safety is in question, consult with a psychologist or counselor. Adolescence is a time of considerable stress. Teach your child coping skills at a young age, especially when it comes to experiencing loss and the impact that loss can have on future personal and career goals. Help your child identify professionals in the community, or other trusted family members, he can turn to for help. Accept your child for who she is now and who she will become. Remember the future is for your teen and her dreams, not for fulfilling your own dreams. Take time to enjoy leisure activities as a family, and allow time for your teen to share experiences with his friends. Understand that friends are very important in this stage, as they help teens by providing emotional support in navigating social systems. Encourage and support your child in developing posthigh school plans. Help her define her passions, interests and skills. Help her set goals and explore options. Discuss the meaning of life and how your child can get his basic needs met when moving beyond high school. • • • • 2013 • Issue 2 Piedmont Family Magazine 19