Parenting Matters Transition from Teens to Adults ust as a child goes through many stages of development, adults go through “stages” in their role as parents. First-time parents typically go through the fantasy stage when expecting their child. Everything is new and a parent tends to think of little else for about nine months. Expectant parents (first-time or otherwise) often fanaticize about what their child will look like, plan for a nursery, buy tiny clothes, and purchase toys the child will not even enjoy for months to come! Those plans are the first steps in our child’s life, and our first steps as new parents. In essence, many parents carefully prepare for a newborn to enter their lives. This planning does not seem to continue as children grow, especially between the elementary years and adolescence. We can get so caught up in the fastmoving daily routine of family life, and children seem to grow right before our eyes. Our offspring seem to be children one day and on the brink of adulthood the next. There is a stage in between, though: Adolescence, the transition from childhood into adulthood. In developmental terms, adolescence is the stage from 13 to 18 years. As a mother of six now-adult children, I asked for guidance at every stage from my parents, friends, pediatrician and a variety of books on child development. The resources and references for babies and younger children seemed plentiful. The amount of information about J By Carol Osborn development of children from 13 to 18 years old seemed to be much less readily available. I think it is true still today that no one seems to tell us how to relate to teenagers. According to a recent article on adolescence development in the ERIC Digest this quote seems to ring true: “It seems like everyone, even teachers and neighbors, have problems understanding them.” Maybe that’s because this stage is so complex and challenging– our pre-teens are not quite children, but definitely not yet adults. How do we relate to children in the tween and teen years? On what level do we relate? And how do parents acquire the skills to relate to adolescents in terms they will understand? Theorists theorize and parents practice Esteemed psychologist Erik Erikson refers to the ages of 13 to18 years as a time when children are working on mastering a crisis of identity versus role confusion. Their significant relationships go from the greater world of people and things during the elementary school years to that of peers and role models. They are constantly asking themselves, “Who am I? What can I be?” They are concerned about social relationships. Parents Know Best That is why as parents we sometimes think our adolescents are here one minute and gone the next–sometimes literally and sometimes figuratively. For example, once I asked one of my sons, a teenager at the time, over the phone to do a specific chore before I got home. Although he indicated step by step that he was doing what I was asking at the moment, it seems it only got done in his mind, and when I got home it was not done. That is what I mean by adolescents are sometimes “gone” right in front of us. Teens are working on what is important to them at this stage of their life: Social relationships and seeking their own identity and they aren’t always present to attend to our parenting needs or requests! This stage of identity the teenager goes through is a synthesis of earlier stages and an anticipation of later ones. Each stage is marked with its own identify crisis, and this one is especially significant because it marks the stage from childhood to adulthood. In our society children are considered adults at age 18; even though research shows that the brain is still developing in the teen years. Emotionally, adolescents think they are ready to face the challenge of the world outside the comforts of their home and family, yet they are still not sure of who they are or where they are going. How can parents put this knowledge of Erikson’s theory of identity crisis Parenting Matters continued on page 19 18 Piedmont Family Magazine 2013 • Issue 2