Angry Kids continued from page 12 what you really want for him or her to be learning. Instead of reacting to your child’s angry outburst with your own angry response, try talking with him calmly instead. Say something like, “I am really sad and angry that you broke the new TV. I worked very hard to earn the money to buy the TV, and I feel hurt that you didn’t consider my feelings before you threw the remote and broke the TV. Let’s try to figure out what you will do next time you are this angry so that you don’t break more things and hurt other people again. “ Next, you will need to discuss, “What do we do now? We have a broken TV which will have to be replaced.” Since you worked hard to earn the money in the first place, you could ask him to tell you what he thinks would be a fair consequence for the results of his behavior. Of course, he won’t be able to reimburse you for the $1,500 it will cost to replace the TV. But he could be required to do some chores around the house and put the money he earns into a “replace the TV” money jar. The fact that the TV cost you $1,500 should not be the issue. Even though the loss of the TV is financially painful to you, the consequences for your child should be proportionate to your child’s age and capabilities. A four-year-old child won’t be able to understand the vast difference between $1,500 and fifteen cents. The consequence for him should be the same as if he broke a lamp or a glass. The problem that needs to be addressed is how he expressed his anger and how he can deal with it next time in a healthy, constructive way, without aggression. Your Child Needs Direction, Not Punishment Remember, your child needs direction and coaching by a loving adult. He needs to be taught that all human beings experience the same range of murky, difficult, and tangled emotions, and that part of growing up entails learning how to understand, manage, and control his emotions for his own benefit as well as the benefit of those around him. The last thing your child needs is for you to inflate and escalate the situation by reacting to his child-sized anger with your adult-sized anger. As his parent and role model, teach him how to do better next time. Help your child understand that your love cannot be broken as swiftly or irreparably as the TV. Give him a hug and have him help you sweep up the mess. Children need to know they can control their emotions, even when those emotions are strong. All children need reassurance that big emotions don’t scare you and won’t drive you, their parent, away. Children need to learn better, more effective ways to express strong feelings. He can be part of solution, make amends, and know he is still loved. Reinforce Desired Behaviors You can help prevent future tantrums and outbursts by recognizing and reinforcing the behaviors you want from your child. For example: 1. Compliment his selfcontrol when he resists the temptation to throw something next time he is angry. 2. Show appreciation when he refrains from slamming, hitting, and yelling. 3. Step back from watching over him constantly to ease his tension. 4. Encourage him to engage in regular physical activity, both organized and free play. 5. Show an interest in him. Ask him to share information about his activities, interests, and ambitions, so he feels valued. 6. Maintain a sense of humor when appropriate. 7. Make sure you address the issue that caused the uproar in the first place with big sister or big brother. Everyone needs to accept his own responsibility in the ordeal. Model Good Behavior The most important thing you can do to ensure your child’s healthy behaviors is to model healthy behaviors yourself. Your goal should not be to control your kid, but to help and guide him to develop self control. The goal isn’t even getting your kid to obey you or act appropriately. The goal is to cultivate and preserve a loving and harmonious atmosphere within your home and among your family members. Ultimately, you want to raise happy, healthy, secure kids who want to be with you and willingly listen to you because they feel secure in your relationship with them and don’t want to disappoint you. Marianne Clyde is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Warrenton, Virginia. She works with adults who want to be better parents and people who want to break through barriers that are keeping them from living the abundant life they were born to live. Marianne is also known as MommyZen. Visit her on Facebook at facebook.com/mommyjustbreathe and at Mommy-zen.com. Phone: 540347-3797. SCORE With Nikon Instant Savings! 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