“ y four-year-old got so angry at his brother that he took the TV remote and threw it, shattering our $1,500 television!” Angry Behavior It is not unusual to be shocked, hurt, or enraged by your child’s angry behavior. Sometimes children spiral out of control, leaving you at a loss as to how to respond. Have you ever wondered what you could do to prevent such outbursts? See Through Your Child’s Eyes First, view the situation through your child’s eyes. Children experience the same gamut of feelings as adults, but they have not yet developed the cognitive skills or emotional resources that help them recognize, control, and express their feelings constructively and effectively. Anger tends to be a catch-all emotion for kids. Loneliness, fear, embarrassment, anxiety, hurt, physical discomfort, and feelings of powerless all masquerade as anger. Children who don’t know how to express their emotions in a clear, succinct way often act out. A child who acts out in anger needs better ways to express his or her feelings. Anger is not Aggression It is important to distinguish between aggression and anger as they are not the same thing. Anger is an emotion. Emotions are never bad; they are simply a form of information. When you have the information that something made you angry, you can stop and calmly decide how to respond to this information. Aggression, on the other hand, is a behavior or disposition that hurts or intimidates someone M else or infringes on someone else’s rights, threatening or causing harm. Anger is an acceptable emotion. Aggression is unacceptable behavior. It is the parent’s responsibility to teach children the distinction and how to recognize, control, and respond to angry feelings appropriately. Diffusing Anger Help your children learn to diffuse anger and avoid angry outbursts with these four steps: 1) Teach your child how to de-escalate feelings. Have him or her take a deep breath. It might help to look him in the eye and breathe deeply together. “OK, Tommy, breathe in and blow it out. Do it again. Do you feel your body calming down? In, out. In out.” This deep-breathing exercise will help you keep your own emotions under control as well, helping you refrain from flying off the handle in reaction to your child’s behavior. When your child has calmed down, it is time for the next step. 2) Help your child identify and name them feelings. Your child may be experiencing a tangle of emotions that are confusing and overwhelming. You can help your child learn to distinguish anger from embarrassment from fear and sort out the messy emotions that led up to the outburst. 3) Ask your child what behaviors or incidents triggered his feelings. Here’s how you might guide the conversation: He says: “Jimmy was making fun of me!” You clarify: “You felt embarrassed because your brother made fun of you in front of his friends.” He says: “Sandy won’t give me my turn!” You clarify: “You felt powerless because you didn’t know how to get your sister to give you your turn playing with the video game.” 4) Brainstorm ways that your child could have responded that might have been more effective and less hurtful. For example: “You could have used your words instead of your hands to tell someone how you feel.” “You could have played something else for a while and then taken a nice long turn when your sister and her friend were done.” Encourage your child to think of additional alternatives, so he feels more empowered to take responsibility for controlling his actions next time. Remember: More is Caught Than Taught It is certainly important to share your genuine feelings with your child in a calm and straightforward way. Remember, more is caught than taught. If you scream and yell and overreact, then you are teaching your child something that is at odds with Angry Kids continued on page 13 MANAGING ANGRY KIDS By Marianne Clyde, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) 12 Piedmont Family Magazine 2013 • Issue 5