Wedding Essentials 2 0 1 4 |
103
SET YOUR MARRIAGE EXPECTATION
BAR AT OLYMPIAN HEIGHTS.
Keep
believing in fairy tales--the
handsome, studly Prince on his white horse
continually wooing the beautiful princess. No
daily reality intrudes here. No fights about who
feeds the horse, or worse, who cleans up after
the horse. When the impossible bar isn't met,
don't hesitate to believe that your whole
marriage is rotten. Negative generalizations are
always good.
SUPER-SIZE EVERY ARGUMENT. IF
YOU HAVE A DISAGREEMENT,
EXPAND IT TO BE A FULL-FLEDGED
ARGUMENT.
Let's say it starts about whose turn
it is to load the dishwasher. Add fuel to the
verbal fire by bringing up every real or
imagined slight that you can remember. Cast
aspersions at each other's friends and family.
Say things like "You're just like your father. He
never did anything around the house either".
STRETCH THE ARGUMENT OUT AS
LONG AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.
Sleep
with your anger, not with your
spouse. See if you can set a new record of not
talking. If you forget what the original
argument was about, don't worry. Dredge up
something from left field.
REFUSE TO CHANGE OR ADAPT.
Now
that you are married, insist that
things remain exactly the same as
during your courtship, or when you were
cohabiting. Refuse to accept that the dynamics
can change with the marriage licence and the
added commitment wedding vows can bring.
BE REALLY HARD TO PLEASE.
It will
keep your mate on his toes. In fact,
he'll be so "en pointe" that he will get
a fearful little quake whenever he even thinks
about you. If he brings you red roses and you
prefer yellow ones, let him know in no
uncertain terms. Tell him he should have
known better, and that he probably gave red
roses to his previous girlfriend. Don't put those
red roses in water, leave them on the counter to
die. Better yet, throw them in the garbage while
he's watching. You can bet he won't make the
mistake of bringing you red roses, or maybe
even any roses, ever again.
KEEP SCORE ONLY OF THE
NEGATIVES.
Pay attention to the
things your partner does that you
don't like, and magnify them. If your partner
does something that should please you, say
something like, "Well, it's about time" or "What
are you feeling guilty about?" to turn the
positive deed into a negative one.
BECOME A MASTER OF
MANIPULATION.
This is how to get
what you want, even if it is contrary
to your partner's best interests. Enjoy the sense
of power you have over another human being
and don't hesitate to wield it. If you don't get
your way at first, revert to kindergarten
behaviour. Throw a tantrum, sulk and pout.
DON'T EXPRESS YOUR AFFECTION.
Hugs during dishes, holding hands
in the mall, special words that were
magic to your ears during courtship--forget all
that puppy-love stuff. Marriage is serious
business. Look at those antique photos of severe-
looking couples. Follow their example or you'll
have laugh lines developing all over the place.
DON'T PLAN ANY DATES TOGETHER.
The dating part should end with that
walk up the aisle. All your time
together should be spent with other people--his
friends, your friends, his family, your family,
your business acquaintances, his business peers.
Don't get off-track by taking an unplanned walk
under a moonlit sky, with the snow twinkling
with a million diamond crystals.
SILENCE IS GOLDEN, ESPECIALLY IN
MARRIAGE.
Share your thoughts,
dreams, goals, feelings and
uncertainties with your mate? No way. Make a
long list of topics that are not available for
discussion. Keep adding to the list. Think of
this as your personal version of Tolstoy's War
and Peace, that massive epic at least 1,000
pages long.
SHARE INNERMOST THOUGHTS,
BUT NOT WITH EACH OTHER.
If
your spouse confides an intimate or
perhaps humiliating experience, by all means
share this conversational nugget with friends and
family. For maximum impact, choose a public
occasion such as a dinner party to bring it up.
SET AN AGENDA, CARVED IN
STONE.
For example, Saturday
mornings are for laundry, so don't
be sidetracked by that urge to snuggle under
the duvet. Make love at pre-arranged times and
only in your bedroom and always in the same
position. This will save time in the long run.
IGNORE THE GOOD THINGS YOUR
MATE DOES FOR YOU. FOCUS
EXCLUSIVELY ON WHAT'S NOT
DONE.
So he shovels out the driveway so you
can make it to your health club by 6:30 a.m. But
he left the toilet seat up in his haste to get out
there in the 20º Celsius morning. When he
comes back into the house, let him have it
about the faux pas, but don't thank him for the
consideration he showed with that shovel.
YOU ARE PERFECT.
Some sages say
that marriage is a commitment
between two imperfect people.
However, you are perfect, and don't ever let
your mate forget it. Tell your partner how
difficult it is to live co-habit and how lucky
your mate is to have you, the eternally-
perfect one.
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